Intentional New Friendships

Hey there friend - let's take a moment to take stock.

Perhaps you are finding yourself on this page because you realize that, while you have friends in your life - and quite likely, they're friends you've been in relationship with for awhile - they aren't necessarily the people you would connect with and build a relationship with if you were to meet them for the first time today.

Maybe you are starting a life chapter in a new place, or you have gone through a transition point, and you are finding yourself without a community. The task ahead of you to make new friends can be a daunting one. Where to begin? How to find them?

Or, you realize that while you adore your friends, there are major parts of your identity that aren't represented in your friendships. We've had many friends in the past who had a wake-up call when they realized they didn't have any Black friends, any gay friends, any parent-friends, any entrepreneur friends - and that this part of their own personhood was lonely and longing for others who shared an identity and experience.

As wonderful as it is to have friends who are different from us, it's also special and important to have friends who can understand our life experiences, empathize, and with whom we feel at home. It's also an important way to support and validate different parts of yourself that long for their own community.

Just like any relationship, our friendships need intention, attention and sometimes a really deliberate pursuit - and from your answers a moment ago, you are in the perfect place to get started in creating more intentional friendships in your life.

To begin, let's first figure out where it feels you need to fill in the friend gaps.

To do this, we're going to explore whether you have friendships that:

You can write this out on your own piece of paper if you like, or we have some free downloadable templates to make it easier for you.

Now that you have a sense of the kinds of people you'd like to make friends with - almost a profile of the new friends you're seeking! - our task is to help you find them.

Before we embark on this step, I want to say straight-out: a lot of people don't go past this because they feel awkward, and then they remain without their people. It can feel unnatural or weird to actively pursue a certain type of person as a friend. Folks worry they're tokenizing, that they're being too forward, or too intense. That friendships should just naturally "happen." I can tell you from my work helping to create friendships for the past decade, as well as my own personal experiences of moving twice to places where I knew not a soul and building communities of friends from scratch - being deliberate and intentional is necessary to get you the friends you want and deserve, and people appreciate it when you pursue their friendship and are genuinely interested in them. Of course it could be offensive or tokenizing to befriend someone solely based on their race or another box they tick - but you wouldn't build a relationship with someone because they fill some quota. It is OK to be interested in getting to know someone because something about their identity is important to you and you would like to get to know them better to discover if you two connect.

OK - now that we have that out of the way, let's get you making some new intentional friendships! We're going to explore two ways: online, and IRL (in real life).

If you like, you can skip ahead to the section that meets you where you are right now the most:

Online
IRL

Take a look at the list you created and the kinds of people you want to connect with. Where would you find these folks? And, where would they be where they're not overly distracted/would be open to chatting?For example, you might find other parents at school during pick-up time, but this is NOT when most folks are open to friendly winding chats with strangers (because hangry tired children).

Here are some examples to consider:

Many businesses also organize group gatherings - which looks different during COVID-times, but isn't necessarily cancelled! You can often find a community pre-assembled for you at:

When you're starting to build intentional friendships - especially if you're in a new place and starting from scratch - it can feel like you need to make many new friendships to really fill your cup. Remember, it's great to start with just one! Once you make one new friend, you are opening yourself up to their entire network of buds, too - and, you have a new partner in crime to help build a fresh community.


When you meet someone new and like them, and feel that possible friend spark, try to get contact information before you part ways. This is the part that can often feel the most awkward and tricky - lots of folks don't feel comfortable asking for digits! - but it's also essential for you to start building a friendship! If asking for a phone number feels weird, you can ask if they have an Instagram account and follow each other there.


Living in a foreign country where many of us need to use WhatsApp to communicate, I ask "do you have WhatsApp?" when I have a nice chat with a new person I have a feeling could become a friend. 10/10 times they smile, perk up, say "yes!", seem relieved that I was the one to ask, and happily exchange numbers with me. I'm shy so this feels a bit awkward each time, but it's helped me build incredible friendships in new places twice over so I'm happy to feel awkward for thirty seconds to get a new friend out of it.

Now that you've met someone you like - how do you actually go about becoming friends?

If you're comfortable, it's always lovely to invite a new friend out for a chat or activity - this could be a coffee date, or even just a walk outside. If this feels scary, try inviting them to join you and one other person for something the two of you are doing. That way, the pressure feels less intense.

If organizing a date feels too hard right now, do try to touch base with your new person at least a week after meeting each other, to keep the conversation going. You could:

These are easy, natural authentic ways to get the conversation flowing in a genuine way without feeling overbearing.

Once you've gotten together a few times, it can be nice to have a little support to deepen the kinds of conversations you're having and go from acquaintances to real friends. Our four Card Decks are designed to help you skip superficial conversations and go right into more honest and connected discussions, without it feeling unnatural or forced.


If you're making new parent friends, you can use the Motherhood Deck to have some real talk about the highs and lows of parenting and get to know each other on a more intimate level.


If you're connecting with new friends around work, entrepreneurship, or starting a new life chapter, the Money Deck is a perfect tool to help you have some zingy discussions about the ways your money mindsets work, and what your dreams and visions are for the months ahead.


And for all new friends, our Clarity Deck is a wonderful, simple, and truly powerful entry point into conversations that help you be honest, talk about things you wouldn't think of otherwise but will really enjoy digging into together, and help you get close quicker while always feeling authentic and true to yourself.

An easy way to build a bit of momentum once you've made one new friend is to introduce them to an old(er) friend of yours with whom you think they'd connect, and create a little What'sApp group around something you share or want to do together. (For example, hiking friends, mom friends, new-to-the-area friends, etc.)

Share that this group is a place where you can share resources and questions and just chat - and anyone is welcome to add folks. This is a simple way to be the organizer without having to do much more work than setting up the group. Now, let the friends pour in!

This also gives you a great thing to share when you meet a new person out in the world a week from now, and an easy way to ask for someone's phone number so you can stay in touch. As you chat with someone at the park, or the bookstore, and get a gut sense they might be a good fit and a sweet friend, you can ask if they'd like to be added to your chat group. Most folks would be touched to be invited - especially if it's a useful group of nice cool people! - and if they'd prefer not to, that's OK too! If they would, this is an easy way to continue the conversation and get to know them without having to figure out how to ask them out on a "friend date" after meeting.