How to Let Go during COVID-19

We’re being asked to let go of so many things right now: Plans. Priorities. Support systems. Expectations. Some of us are actually grieving the passing of friends and family, often from afar. It’s hard to know how to let go under normal circumstances; but right now, it’s even harder.

We’re dealing with the shocking suddenness of COVID-19, followed by the prolonged uncertainty.

This recent piece in the New York TImes, “How to Cope When Everything Keeps Changing,” gives three great suggestions for how to adjust and continue with planning and being present for your life, even when planning seems quite impossible. It’s a quick read and helpful if you’re struggling with wanting to plan, while acknowledging the ever-changing and unpredictable nature of these times we’re living in.

In this blog post, we’re going to explore another side of the coin, which is how to process the grief, frustration, anxiety, and rush of other emotions that comes when we can’t plan properly, when our plans are taken from us, or when the unplanned knocks us off our feet.

I’m going to share a bit of what I see as some of the hardest moments where you’re being asked to let go right now, and might not even notice that it’s grief you’re dealing with.


I won’t be delving deeply here into the grief we experience when someone dies, but more the subtle grief that comes from the current pandemic situation, and some concrete ways that you can process these tough shifts you’re being asked to make, and let go of things that no longer serve you, and release anything that is keeping you sad, stuck, or angry.

On this note, if you're done with reading articles and blogs today, and you'd like instead to see the video, click the video link below on "5 Ways to Deal with Covid Stress."

If you’d like to skip ahead to a particular section, here’s a table of contents for you with links to take you to the card draws:

Many of my dearest friends are struggling with letting go of their visions for what it would mean for their kids to start kindergarten this fall.


Aside from the milestone and the excitement of this big transition, they were also expecting a financial break from the costs of daycare they’d been shouldering for the last four years. Budgets had to be quickly rearranged, safe options vetted, and some kind of solution cobbled together with swiftness - even as work trudges along at a crazy pace and school takes center stage in the weeks ahead.


Other women I know are letting go of marriages or relationships.


And yet others are letting go of holiday plans for family get-togethers in the fall and winter.

Some are letting go of plans for their own careers, because they’re taking on the brunt of childcare, or because they’ve been let go from jobs that can no longer afford them.


And some of us are letting go of plans to get pregnant right now, letting go of plans to move to a new home; letting go of plans to stay where we are, instead finding it optimal to move closer to family.

My best friend was pregnant and gave birth during the spring, and had to let go of her hopes for postpartum support, a doula at her birth, and friends coming over to meet her baby and hang out with her during maternity leave. Even small things, like letting go of plans for Halloween or your favorite summer tradition can be hard.

My son turned one in April and I found his birthday really hard. We moved to Portugal when I was 7 months pregnant with him, and it took me a really long time to feel settled in a new country and culture while also adjusting to having two small children, and weathering the postpartum period.


I found myself walking in endless loops around the cobblestone square that lay at the end of our hilly street, daydreaming of a time I would feel more normal and at home.

One of the things my daydreams often fluttered towards and landed upon was a vision of his first birthday, in the popular Estrela Park, where many of my new friends had picnic birthdays for their little ones.


When that time comes, I’ll be at home here, I thought. I’ll string a pennant between the oak trees, I’ll have figured out where to buy picnic blankets, I wonder if he’ll be walking by that point!


So when his birthday finally arrived, we were on complete lock-down. I fed him a Portuguese custard tart to the applause of family and friends sprinkled across two continents, gathered in a Zoom Room, their faces blurred and strained from stress and poor connections.

He enjoyed the treat but it was not the celebration I imagined, to say the least.


It wasn’t just that I was sad that the party wasn’t as fun or joyful as I had hoped it would be. This milestone happening during COVID-19 was a stark reminder of how different my current reality was from what I imagined this moment in time would be. And that really stung. I had the same feeling on my own birthday in August, as I juxtaposed the day with what we did the year prior.


Even though things had opened up a great deal, just remembering the carefree lightness with which we hopped on a train and went to a nearby beach town for ice cream and a ride on the carousel was hard, as it felt so far away from the scene today of folks walking around in masks, hugs still forbidden, trains still iffy.

So, if you have a milestone coming up - whether it’s for yourself, a child, or a loved one - try your best to set realistic expectations for what you’ll be able to do. Try to find something that feels fun and pleasurable and joyful, within the parameters of current possibility.

And, if sadness, anger, disappointment, or melancholy bubble up, know that it is completely normal, and not in any way a sign of failure. Disappointment during a big milestone is more of a sign that you're grieving a lost expectation, rather than your failing at creating a sweet moment, or enjoying a special time.

Alright friends - now that we've taken a bit of time to get real about the ways you might be experiencing grief right now because of the pandemic, let's move into five ways you can start to process those big feelings, and let go on your terms.



I hand-selected five cards from our Loss Deck that I thought would best support your wellness, mental health, and peace this fall. Below, I'm going to walk you through each card, as well as how you can apply its lessons to your life right now - like, today - and my own thoughts on why this is such an important question to consider at this moment.


Let's get into it!

Listen - shit’s been weird. And HARD. Even if you’re in a safe place with a relatively good situation, this has still been really, really challenging.


And guess what? You’re doing the damn thing. Every day. You’re making things work the best that you can, you’re making it through one day at a time, and I would hazard to guess that you’re creating some great things along the way.


Whether that means you are...

Whatever it is, you are doing it, every day, even when you don’t want to, even though you didn’t choose this, and even though it’s hard.


To borrow the ubiquitous Glennon Doyle mantra, “you can do hard things.”


You can, and you are, doing them.

What is helping you get through each day?


Do you ...

For many of us, when the pandemic started we went into triage mode. Only the essentials remained, and everything else that we did for wellness or pleasure got thrown off the ship or stuffed in the hold.


As we understand that this is a marathon and not a sprint, and that we need to find ways to continue to live and be ourselves within this situation that isn’t going to disappear soon, we also need to start reintegrating the things that bring us peace and pleasure.

For me, it’s coffee dates with my friends.


Between social distancing, people having various levels of precaution and comfort, and my own adapting to a new work/mothering schedule - oh, and coffee shops literally being shut for months - my favorite indulgence of a coffee with friends has disappeared of late.


As cafes and restaurants start to slowly open, I am finding more moments to get together with girlfriends - without our kids - to catch up and talk.

I went to dinner outside with two friends the other night and it was a balm on my heart. So, even though it’s not the same as in the Before Times, and it doesn’t happen so frequently, I am being intentional about building in little friend dates every week or two, because it truly fills my cup.

For a dear friend of mine, alone time is absolutely essential.


Now that she’s on maternity leave with a newborn and her husband works from home, she is basically never ever by herself. I gently but firmly told her one day that she needed to take 45 minutes minimum by herself, outside of the house, every day.


She scheduled it with her husband, marking it down in his calendar like a work meeting.


Sometimes she drives to pick up lunch and listens to a podcast in silence. Sometimes she goes to get a coffee and takes a quick solo walk in her neighborhood.


It doesn’t have to be complicated - it just has to be you. She shared that after a week of these small moments of solitude, she feels her battery went from 0% to 50%, in just five days. That’s the power of giving yourself what you, uniquely, need.

We have been focusing so much on health essentials to keep the virus at bay, that it’s easy to become fixated on these alarming and frightening self-preservation needs, and forget that there are other aspects of your care and well being that still need attention and nurturing.


This was particularly tricky while many dentist and doctor’s offices were closed at the start of the lock-down, but now that things are opening up with safety protocols in place, it’s a great time to take care of your body while care is more easily accessed.


Here are some things you can do, big and small, to take good care of yourself right now (apart from washing your hands):

Even though you came here to learn more about how to let go during Covid-19, you might be noticing that part of giving your grief and losses space to breathe is also about acknowledging all the ways you’re bearing this burden.


This situation asked all of us to take on extra responsibilities, let go of routines and support systems, be flexible, adaptable, take personal responsibility for how our actions affect others, and make really challenging decisions with little to no reliable information. That. Is. A. LOT!


So - how have you been stepping up to these challenges? What parts of you have stepped forward and taken the lead? How have you risen to the occasion, even when it was hard, and even if it’s not all the time?

What part of you has stepped forward in your best moments during this crisis? How can you recognize, love, and honor this part of yourself?


And, how can you invite this part of you to step forward more often?

Anger can be a difficult emotion for many of us to experience and express - especially if we have been socialized as women, and taught that anger is not an “attractive” or “permitted” emotion.


Often, feelings like sadness, hopelessness, a need to control everything, disappointment in a person, can be anger wearing the cloak of another feeling.

Sometimes, especially now during the pandemic when everyone is struggling with one thing or another, it can be easy to diminish our own problems and minimize our upset. We look at what others are dealing with and feel silly, selfish, or small minded for being upset about our own losses.

Whatever it is you’re angry about, you are allowed to feel that anger! It is healthy and normal for you to feel angry about having to be in a situation that is uncomfortable, unfair, and out of your control.

Now that you’ve named what you’re angry about, can you sense the shape of your anger, and its nature?

Getting clearer about the texture and type of anger you’re experiencing will help with the gist of the next questions on this card - how to get this anger out of your body.

As you get to understand the anger you’re feeling, the answer of what this anger needs in order to be recognized, validated, and expressed will become clearer too. Remember, we want to allow anger to move out of your body not because there is anything bad about anger itself, but because holding on to it inside your body can cause illness, discomfort, and dysfunction in the long run.