10 Ways to Support Your Mental Health During Back to School 2020 (Part 1/2)

Six months into the Corona-virus pandemic, many folks are still grappling with extraordinary changes to daily life - and the 2020 Back to School season presents unique challenges, opportunities, and responsibilities for all of us.

You might be here because you’re feeling anxious about sending your kids back to school; you’re trying to figure out a sustainable work from home situation while your kids do virtual schooling; you’re questioning whether you made the right decision for your kid’s schooling options; or you’re processing your own feelings of disappointment, frustration, and sadness around the reality of what Back to School 2020 looks like.


Whatever your reason is, you’re in good company. We are all in this together, even though everyone faces different circumstances and challenges. And, we will get through this. Together.


Give yourself five minutes to settle in, read through these tips for staying grounded during the 2020 back to school season amidst Covid-19, and know that everything you’re feeling is normal, and everything you’re doing is the best you can given these tough circumstances.

I decided to break this up into two blog posts, because it’s a really big topic that needs its due space and time. So snuggle up with a cup of something tasty, and make sure to check out Part Two after you read Part One!

If you'd like to watch a video about making the 2020 Back to School Season as enjoyable as possible, check out the video below on the 7 Ways to Enjoy Back to School 2020. If not, skip to the section below the video.

OK - let me just start this out by stating some truths before we get into it.

This situation sucks. None of us want this. And if you feel like there are no right answers, and everything feels like a gamble - it’s not true, and it’s not you!

This piece in the Atlantic perfectly explains why this is so hard:

The ways our brains are built to make confident decisions and feel secure in choices is at total odds with how we are being given information, being led, and interacting with each other right now.


So, if you feel like you’re constantly making wonky decisions, you’re frustrated at how others are being irresponsible, and your anxiety is buzzing a lot - this is totally normal, and it’s not because you, or anyone else, is doing anything wrong. It’s the nature of this situation, and how we do - and don’t - choose best.

Many of us are having to make decisions about what back to school looks like for our kids, where all the options feel iffy.

I’m not going to present a perky list of solutions here to make this situation all of a sudden feel great, or suggest that any of these will help you to find the silver lining and actually enjoy this season of life, which ranges anywhere from precarious-yet-pleasant to total clusterfuck.

I share this not to make you feel worse about what’s going on, but just to name it, and to name the intensity of it. I know for me, we have a pretty good situation and setup here in Lisbon, and it’s easy for me to forget that this is like a low hum constantly buzzing in my ears, rather than a loud scream. It takes a toll on our nerves, on our spirits, on our energy, our moods, our optimism, our concentration, our patience, and our health - even if on the surface we are feeling OK.

This list is about things that you can do as we make this transition into the 2020 back to school season that will help you to conserve your energy, maintain your peace and health, stay grounded and clear, and keep on going.

This list takes into account the fact that for many of us this situation is unimaginably difficult, and that we don’t have the resources to just lean into all those silver linings and use this time to connect with our kids over homemade sourdough bread (also, is that still a thing people are doing?).

It also acknowledges that those silver linings do exist, and that connecting with them when and however we can is good for our hearts and minds.

And finally, this list is written around the idea that while we are spending a lot of our energy trying to make things as normal and pleasant as possible for our children, we also have our own feelings of anxiety, grief, sadness, and frustration to deal with, too.

So, there is no guilt here, no pressure, no shaming, no competition. We are all in this side by side, yet we are all navigating this in our own ways.

So, let’s dig into 10 ways that you can stay sane during the 2020 back to school season - and if you have other suggestions, I’d LOVE to hear them in the comments section at the end of this post!

I am certainly not a strict Mom, but like anyone I have my little fixations. When my oldest was a baby, I was selective about what she ate (mostly vegetarian, gluten was a rarity, no processed foods or prepackaged baby snacks - yes, I was probably insufferable to many of my friends and family, sorry guys). We also didn’t have a television in our house (still don’t, actually!) and we didn’t do screen time with her.

Enter our first flight. 13 months old. International flight.

Did I mention 13 months old?

In preparation for this maiden voyage, I had made a Pinterest board with simple tactile activities for toddlers and babies, and I brought AN ENTIRE CARRY ON simply for these mind-enhancing activities. For scale, I brought one duffel bag for the three of us, traveling for 10 days, including diapers - and an equal sized bag full of plane entertainment. Sticky gummy letters she could put on the window, coloring books, post it notes she could stick on the tray table, little puzzles, books, glitter wands, play dough…

Literally before the plane took off she had gone through every. Single. Item. and destroyed it, thrown it, or couldn’t give two shits about it.

And this is where I learned about Airplane Rules.

You parent differently on an airplane.

You are a different person on an airplane.

You do what it takes to get through the flight, and get to the other side.

You are Triage You.

This doesn’t mean you don’t have any standards or rules - they’re just, you know, adjusted. More realistic for the situation at hand, and less idealistic.

Maybe this means a later bedtime. Maybe it’s extra TV time between school and dinner (or during the middle of the day, you do you friend!). Maybe this means that you are way more relaxed about what your kids eat (mine are officially now 75% made of strawberry yogurt and veggie sticks). Maybe you let them make a big mess and just leave it.


Whatever you’re usually a stickler about, it’s OK to let it go for now.

At the same time, we want to maintain some sense of normalcy and routine - this is important for all of us. Because airplane trips are shorter than this wild ride we are on right now.


So #2 is going to help you feel regulated - but I wanted, out the gate, to give you full and total permission to be more permissive, to ease up and have lower standards, to let go and understand that anything you relax around now can always be tightened up later. Conserve your energy for the things that matter, and let your kids watch another episode of Daniel Tiger as we bump through the turbulence.

For many of the friends I speak to, the thing that is the hardest about this time is that every day blends into the next, and the things that used to demarcate hours, days, and seasons (like going into the office, taking the kids to school, returning home and being there as a family in the mornings, evenings, and weekends only - not 1000000% of the time) are all gone.


Trips to familiar places, gatherings with family and friends, they’re not happening or they’re different.


Even things like going to church or temple, having breakfast at your favorite bakery or diner every Sunday morning, heading to a market on Saturday afternoons - it’s all different.

There is real healing power in routine and rhythm, and it’s not just for kids. We need it too as adults. So, to no longer feel like you're in an endless grind or in Groundhog’s Day, try creating one new weekly routine that happens the same day, the same time, each week.

For us, we have a picnic dinner at our big local park on Friday afternoons. On Saturday nights I make breakfast for dinner for the kids, and my husband and I get takeout.


These are two really small routines that I didn’t think would make much of a difference - but you know what? I found myself really looking forward to it, and so did my daughter! (My son is a baby and time holds no meaning for him . . . but, he was super into the microwaved pre-made frozen crepes, nonetheless).


For me it was so nice to have a break from figuring out what everyone was eating and doing the cooking, and my daughter came to understand that weekends were different from weekdays partially because of where we went, and partially because of what we ate. It also gave me and my husband a little “date night” at home, which we came to look forward to as well - usually the four of us eat dinner together, so it was a nice change of pace that gave a bit of shape to the week.

The rules for these routines are that they need to recharge your batteries. So nothing over-complicated or stressful. Choose things that don’t cost a lot of money or take a ton of energy to put together. Also try to choose a routine that is within your Covid-19 comfort zone, and feels safe and comfortable for you.

I have a Circle of Mom friends group from when my daughter was a baby. While we all live in different places now, we have that bond of having had kids at the same time, and we still support each other through all the new milestones we come up against.


Right now, many of these kids are about to start kindergarten - and my friends are really struggling with deep sadness at what this start to a huge life moment is looking like for their kids.

Some of them aren’t able to go to the schools they were planning to attend, and have alternate schooling options. Some are going to school but will need to wear masks all day.

And you know what? They’re right - it isn’t. And, at the same time - your kids don’t know what they’re missing.

They’ve never been to kindergarten before. You have.


You have the memories of what elementary school was like; you have the visions, the expectations, the dreams of what it will look like for them.


But they don’t. They know what they’re being given, and what is right in front of them - they don’t have those same expectations and visions that you have.

Now, this isn’t to undermine or diminish the sensitivity and intelligence of little kids - of course they know that things are different and strange right now.


But I think of it as the same thing kids do when they fall, and immediately look over to you before they start crying - they check in with you first to see “is this bad? Should I be upset?” and your reaction gives them a gauge of what their reaction should be.


For them, it is what it is - this is what school looks like. This is where I’m going, and this is what we do there. And I get a new backpack! They have a play kitchen there! I have a new friend I like! We get to play outside! I get to wear a kitten mask! I get to stay home with mommy and daddy and baby brother! I get to ride my bike down the street in the morning before computer school starts!


They’re not thinking about the images of Kindergarten you have in your mind, that you were anticipating and looking forward to.


This is a huge transition, but it’s honestly a bigger one for you than for them. Kindergarten (or, starting daycare, preschool, etc.) holds a ton of weight and meaning for us as parents, as it’s an important marker of the passage of time, of our children going from babies to kids, and it might even be that they start to now have experiences at an age that we even remember (I remember kindergarten quite clearly, for example, and the thought that my daughter is now the age that I was at the time of those memories is BONKERS).

We worry so much about their sadness - but remember, they’re probably just focused on what the reality in front of them is: this is where I’m going, this is what we’re doing, this is what and who I’m playing with, etc.


The symbolism and the juxtaposition of what they’d be doing in normal times vs. right now isn’t weighing on them - so if possible, see if you can lighten the load that’s pushing down on you, too.

Now for older, school-aged children, #3 is different. They do know what they’re missing - and they’re probably feeling a lot of feelings about it. For both yourself, and your child, let yourselves grieve.


Yes, grieve.

We grieve throughout our lives, not just when someone dies.

No matter how lovely the alternative is, how hard you’re working to make this fun and normal, and how brave your kid is being in adjusting to this new situation - it is totally OK and healthy and expected that feelings of grief will bubble up now and then, or be somewhat present for awhile.

Your child’s upset might make you uncomfortable, because you want to fix it and you can’t. I highly suggest reading or taking a listen to How to Listen so Kids Will Talk if you only have a little time to spare. It’s a quick read and a truly helpful reminder that when our kids are experiencing something hard or upsetting, what they need most is space to be heard and held - not a solution.

Modeling how you can sit with these feelings, acknowledge them, and then move forward is an incredible lesson for your child in normalizing difficult emotions.

I personally use our Loss Deck when I’m feeling these emotions bubble up. The clear questions make it easier for me to find a path through my feelings, and helps me to process what is bothering me without rushing to just fix it. Having a guiding question and topic also helps me not to get lost in my emotions, which I tend to do.

I have been a work from home mom ever since I became a mother. I have run two businesses while we moved internationally, and welcomed a second child, and I have tried all different configurations of the flexible work/parenting model.

My husband and I have split days, taken different parts of the week, I’ve had seasons where I was the sole childcare and worked only during naps and after bedtime, we’ve done nanny shares, full time school, home-school…really, everything!


And I can tell you that even in the Before Times, the hardest thing with working from home with children is the lack of boundaries and compartmentalization.


I used to think this was a blessing, and was proud that while I was pushing my son for a nap in his stroller and walking to the grocery store I was also writing an email on my phone and texting with my fulfillment specialist packing orders back in Philadelphia.


These moments used to symbolize to me that I was living the WAHM dream, like a postpartum Timothy Ferris squeezing the last efficient productive drop out of every hour of my day, mothering full time and working full time and showing up for everyone in every way every moment.

Now, in retrospect, I realize it was just madness.

I love doing many different things and am a multi-passionate person, but I had to learn the hard way that compartments and boundaries are our friends, they are necessary, and they are ABSOLUTELY essential right now.


Clever, well-made planners, block schedules, and thoughtful journals like this one that help you to create heartfelt goals and priorities are useful, and in stressful times they can be essential. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what’s on paper, so much as what’s going on inside your head, and what helps you actually divide up your time in real life - not just on the page.

For those of you who are working from home and didn’t choose this - and are also dealing with children being in the house way more than you bargained for - compartmentalizing is key.


The things that used to give division and shape to our days are gone for many of us. Additionally, now that all work is virtual, it’s easy for coworkers and managers to think that you’re available at all times, and for the work to never really end.


This may have been your situation at work beforehand, but it’s been shown that the current WFH pandemic setup is exacerbating this even more: folks are being asked to have almost 20% more meetings than before, and putting in 1-3 more hours every day. So if you feel like your boss has no boundaries and you’re being asked to work all the time, it’s not you!

For me, I walk my dogs after my children go to preschool, and this sets a line between our kiddie morning, and the start of my workday. When the pups and I come home, I make a cup of coffee and start to work. At 3pm I prepare dinner so that we can eat quickly once we come home from our afterschool park jaunt, so I have from 10am until 3pm to work.

During that time I take some work breaks and I might clean the house, do the laundry, or call a friend - but I try not to do anything that is longer than 30 minutes that isn’t my work during that time. Once I pickup my kids from school, I’m in full mom mode, and I don’t touch my work until after they’re asleep. I’m focused on them and this helps me to feel better equipped to deal with crankiness, mess, ballistic energy, and endless requests to play Family.

Find a time that your work day ends. I know that for many of you this is easier said than done, and that the work is endless and the expectation is that you’re always available. I think here of that saying: we teach people how to treat us.

Even if this line is 7pm, draw it. And hold it. If you respond to people during your Family Time block, you are teaching them that this boundary doesn’t mean anything, and it can be broken.

Even if it is 8pm, draw it. And hold it. After your work day ends, I would suggest using this time to just focus on your kids, and do whatever you need to feel grounded for the next day. For me, this is cleaning our kitchen. I don’t know why, but I need the kitchen to be clean to not feel like a strung out maniac in the morning.


What’s your one thing?

Alright friend - those are #1-5 of our tips for taking care of your, and your kids' mental health during the back to school 2020 season. If you're looking for more ideas of ways to help your kids through this transition, we have a whole blog post with five ideas for making this time of year fun, exciting, and joyful for your kids.


We also have a Pinterest board with some curated fall activities (because fall is THE BEST) and many of them are just graphics, so you and your kids can choose your favorites even if they're not reading yet.


Ready for #6-#10? Come check out five more suggestions in Part Two here, and let me know which of these five tips you’re trying - or others that are working for you - in the comments below!

Finally, if this post has gotten you thinking about ways you want to more deeply connect with yourself this autumn to help take care of yourself during this challenging time, we have a list of 30 Fall Journal Prompts, so you can have some guidance and reflection each day of the month this autumn. Some are curated selections from our Card Decks, and others are just fall-tastic questions we love.


Take care of yourself friend, and see you in Part Two! (I especially can't wait to share #7 with you!).


xo
Justine